Anyone touched by cancer knows about testing Scanxiety. You don’t want catastrophic thoughts running through your mind.
It’s been a slow process of testing, fuzzy thinking, difficult concentration, pain, and symptoms piling on over the past few months. I’m mostly disappointed that I’m less productive.
It started with pain in my right ribs. Then there was more pain on my right breast that recently extended to my back ribs too. I’ve had X-rays, MRI without contrast, and most recently a bone scan. Each time I hear results of no mets I’m extremely grateful.
I’ve had early stage breast cancer twice, chemotherapy, radiation, lots of breast surgeries including a mastectomy with reconstruction. Everyone knows how passionate I am to see that we do everything to extend lives with quality of life and find a cure for Stage IV.
Just when I thought all was clear I got a call from my oncologist that after further inspection there is a suspicious spot on my spine at T8. Tomorrow they do an MRI with contrast on my spine and see if a biopsy is warranted.
I could use good thoughts and prayers.
While I feel fear, I refuse to let it run my life, (easier said than done) especially when there’s so much I am grateful for including all the incredible support around me.
We are pleased to announce the success of our newly implemented scholarship program. We awarded two amazing women, Jennie Grimes and Grazia De Michele paid scholarships thanks to our generous donors at Advocates for Breast Cancer (A4BC).
Grazia De Michelle – an Italian born woman currently living in the UK.was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010, at the age of 30, and has been a patient advocate ever since. She was treated in Italy where, unlike the United States, breast cancer advocacy is still in its infancy and the level of patients’ engagement with researchers and healthcare providers is low. As a result, at the end of active treatment, in 2012, Grazia started her blog, Le Amazzoni Furiose (The Furious Amazons), to promote Italian women’s involvement in the international debate on breast cancer. A year later, she joined the Breast Cancer Consortium, a network of scholars and advocates interested in breast cancer, critical health-literacy and evidence-base medicine founded by medical sociologist Gayle Sulik.
Jennie Grimes – a metastatic breast cancer (MBC) patient is literally dying for a cure. She is 35 years old, going through a rough time because there are limited choices of drugs to keep her alive. She asked the professionals at #SABCS15, “please keep me alive.” My heart is breaking because I wish there was more available for her and so many others dying of stage IV breast cancer. The most exciting part of the symposium was (A4BC) joining with other organizations that are working toward the same mission. We met with Beth Caldwell, mother, wife, cancer patient, METUP co-founder, and blogger. Meeting people that we know through social media and being able to interact with them is so meaningful because we are able to join forces to save lives. We also met Corrie Painter PHD who along with NiKhil Wagle, MD is working on the MBCProject.org. They believe in sharing the data. This is a whole new way of approaching research.
The truth is that when it comes to breast cancer, we are in an epidemic. Over 40,000 women and 400 men die each year in the U.S. alone from Metastatic Breast Cancer. This is the same number of deaths in the U.S. that occurred during the height of the AIDS epidemic. So while many breast cancer organizations use pink marketing to raise money for a cure, the reality is they just keep saturating the public with the idea that breast cancer is a pretty pink disease with survivors.
People mean well. But they don’t understand that living with MBC has nothing to do with whether the person “fights hard enough.”
Many people did not understand why we are demanding that Stage IV needs more focus; too many women (and some men) are dying. What we’ve done in 25 years has not had much impact on the death rates. We must prioritize our efforts to save lives.
If we could finally understand why someone gets breast cancer, like we understand how AIDS is spread, it would be a huge help towards finding life saving treatments and prevention.
If you want to be part of the work we are doing at Advocates for Breast Cancer, please consider giving a tax free donation. We have a new donation page on our site. We are so grateful to our donors and supporters. Wishing you peace, health, love and happy holidays! 💝💖💝💖
I took some time away from personal blogging. This site is the temporary site for A4BC while the main site will be ready very soon. It’s got so many amazing features that we can’t wait to unveil. Meanwhile we continue to post news, issues and videos, stories, articles, and calls to action etc. We are fine-tuning our full message and creating an easy place for advocates to unite, find common ground, and focus on tasks that brings empowerment by elevating the quality of lives by so many people affected by the breast cancer epidemic.
On a personal note. I know I left many concerned as I battled (oops watch out for the battle language!) deep, dark depression. It was worse than the first time, when my first love Thomas committed suicide by shooting himself in the head on my 16th birthday.
It was not because of any drama with me. I have had many years to question why he chose to leave me here alone since I thought we helped each other. That’s why no matter how hard things get I would never take my own life because I would not want to hurt my family and friends that I love and care about who also give me so much love. At the same time I’ve come to accept that people who kill themselves got lost in a moment that they can’t take back.
I have steadily danced toward the light in the land of the living. I see all is well. I ‘m enjoying the process of doing my advocacy work and I am feeling confident again. Perhaps I’ve been so upset about so many deaths and the scary number that 30% of all earlier stage breast cancers will go metastatic.
Metastatic Cancer is the one that kills even though one can live with mets on extended treatments that have many side effects. You can read more about MBC seeing a post I wrote 10/13/2013 about Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness.
This weekend is the fifth year anniversary of my brother’s death. He died from metastatic tumors that began in his esophagus. five years ago on Father’s Day. My dad died 7 years ago from metastatic tumors that originated in his pancreas. I have spent the weekend thinking about them as well as close friends no longer here from mets, while looking at old photos and realizing how blessed I am they were in my life. No matter what we all have to try to live in the moment with great joy, as we cherish our memories.
I have decided to reblog what I wrote 2 years ago on Father’s Day with some very minor additions since all of what I wrote still pertains to today.
Happy Father’s Day dad. I wonder where you are and whether you and my brother still think about legal cases. I know you both are watching over me as I have taken over responsibilities that I never thought would be mine. I am grateful you taught me how to take care of things and both of you always helped me when I needed help. I think a lot of when you were sick dad and the night before your last night I lied to you when I went to the hospital and told you I slept and woke up early at four in the morning to be with you. I really was at the hospital lounge so you thought I slept because I couldn’t sleep knowing you were alone and very sick in the hospital. I am glad you didn’t know you had cancer for the last 6 months of your life and only found out 10 days before you died.
You said you were tired and a little under the weather but you didn’t have to suffer as long by not knowing. I was so glad I came to see you in the hospital and we had some time alone so I could read you the card I made for your surprise birthday party that we couldn’t have. I am glad we all could come together by your bedside and have everyone holding hands. We were full circle with almost all of your children and grandchildren united in our love for you.
Happy Fathers Day to my older brother! I really miss you. I was so lucky that you were always there for me when I needed you. I know you were very ill but I thank you for helping me get my paperwork done. I also loved getting to work in your legal office and I treasure the days you took me to court with you so I could see all the great work you did. I kept my promise to you and found the most precious thing you asked me to search for. This treasure is bringing so much pleasure to all of our family. You would be beaming with pride!
I know the chemo was tough, but I thank you for letting me go with you, as I understood because I did chemo too. I only wish you didn’t have so many metastatic tumors that grew so fast which could barely be contained.
I still am so surprised you died on Father’s Day, since being a fantastic dad was so important to you and I know how much you loved all of your children and grandchildren. You worked so hard to provide for them and we know how difficult it was for you to have the cruel disease of esophageal cancer take over your body and mind. You stayed with us as long as you could and I hope wherever you are, please know how much we love and miss you. We had such a special bond and a great childhood thanks to our mother and father and their very special relationship.
I miss your humor and way of uniting everyone for all the important times. It’s hard without you, but please know I have kept every promise that we spoke about and you and dad are always with me and the rest of the family in spirit.