I took some time away from personal blogging. This site is the temporary site for A4BC while the main site will be ready very soon. It’s got so many amazing features that we can’t wait to unveil. Meanwhile we continue to post news, issues and videos, stories, articles, and calls to action etc. We are fine-tuning our full message and creating an easy place for advocates to unite, find common ground, and focus on tasks that brings empowerment by elevating the quality of lives by so many people affected by the breast cancer epidemic.
On a personal note. I know I left many concerned as I battled (oops watch out for the battle language!) deep, dark depression. It was worse than the first time, when my first love Thomas committed suicide by shooting himself in the head on my 16th birthday.
It was not because of any drama with me. I have had many years to question why he chose to leave me here alone since I thought we helped each other. That’s why no matter how hard things get I would never take my own life because I would not want to hurt my family and friends that I love and care about who also give me so much love. At the same time I’ve come to accept that people who kill themselves got lost in a moment that they can’t take back.
I have steadily danced toward the light in the land of the living. I see all is well. I ‘m enjoying the process of doing my advocacy work and I am feeling confident again. Perhaps I’ve been so upset about so many deaths and the scary number that 30% of all earlier stage breast cancers will go metastatic.
Metastatic Cancer is the one that kills even though one can live with mets on extended treatments that have many side effects. You can read more about MBC seeing a post I wrote Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness.about
This weekend is the fifth year anniversary of my brother’s death. He died from metastatic tumors that began in his esophagus. five years ago on Father’s Day. My dad died 7 years ago from metastatic tumors that originated in his pancreas. I have spent the weekend thinking about them as well as close friends no longer here from mets, while looking at old photos and realizing how blessed I am they were in my life. No matter what we all have to try to live in the moment with great joy, as we cherish our memories.
I have decided to reblog what I wrote 2 years ago on Father’s Day with some very minor additions since all of what I wrote still pertains to today.
Happy Father’s Day dad. I wonder where you are and whether you and my brother still think about legal cases. I know you both are watching over me as I have taken over responsibilities that I never thought would be mine. I am grateful you taught me how to take care of things and both of you always helped me when I needed help. I think a lot of when you were sick dad and the night before your last night I lied to you when I went to the hospital and told you I slept and woke up early at four in the morning to be with you. I really was at the hospital lounge so you thought I slept because I couldn’t sleep knowing you were alone and very sick in the hospital. I am glad you didn’t know you had cancer for the last 6 months of your life and only found out 10 days before you died.
You said you were tired and a little under the weather but you didn’t have to suffer as long by not knowing. I was so glad I came to see you in the hospital and we had some time alone so I could read you the card I made for your surprise birthday party that we couldn’t have. I am glad we all could come together by your bedside and have everyone holding hands. We were full circle with almost all of your children and grandchildren united in our love for you.
Happy Fathers Day to my older brother! I really miss you. I was so lucky that you were always there for me when I needed you. I know you were very ill but I thank you for helping me get my paperwork done. I also loved getting to work in your legal office and I treasure the days you took me to court with you so I could see all the great work you did. I kept my promise to you and found the most precious thing you asked me to search for. This treasure is bringing so much pleasure to all of our family. You would be beaming with pride!
I know the chemo was tough, but I thank you for letting me go with you, as I understood because I did chemo too. I only wish you didn’t have so many metastatic tumors that grew so fast which could barely be contained.
I still am so surprised you died on Father’s Day, since being a fantastic dad was so important to you and I know how much you loved all of your children and grandchildren. You worked so hard to provide for them and we know how difficult it was for you to have the cruel disease of esophageal cancer take over your body and mind. You stayed with us as long as you could and I hope wherever you are, please know how much we love and miss you. We had such a special bond and a great childhood thanks to our mother and father and their very special relationship.
I miss your humor and way of uniting everyone for all the important times. It’s hard without you, but please know I have kept every promise that we spoke about and you and dad are always with me and the rest of the family in spirit.